12 May 2011

Bored of pretending.

I'm having one of those days today, I think.
I am just bored of pretending things are okay, when they arent. I dont specifically mean now, I mean in general.
Its been coming for a couple of days. It was Ryan that started all this off this time.

Ryans currently at college, studying his second year of a mechanic/engineering course. He goes to college all day Monday and Thursday, and half days on Tuesday and Friday.
He works sundays in the Co-op, and 3 hours on a wednesday. (Plus various overtime.)
Hes now got himself some work experience at a BMW Garage on a tuesday afternoon and all day wednesday, which will hopefully lead to an apprenticeship.
Now initially, I was really happy for him. But then he goes and ruins it all by being bitchy.

He turned round to me a couple of days ago, when I'd asked him if he could empty the bin, cos I was cooking dinner, and started on me, big time.
Going on about how he has 2 jobs, and is at college, and all I do is 'cook the bloody dinner sometimes', so I could do it myself and stop being so pathetic and lazy. Then went on to go on about how I should go and get a job, and then I'd understand how everyone else felt.

I added to my 'patheticness' at this point, and burst into tears.

Now, hes 18 years old. Hes not stupid. He knows WHY I dont work. He knows how often I'm ill and in hospital.

Its partly my fault I guess. I've always had this overwhelming urge to protect Ryan from the truth about CF. Obviously, as hes got older, thats got harder, but I'm still not completely honest about how bad I feel with him.
Hes my little brother at the end of the day, I was to be his big sister, I want to protect him and look after him. I dont want him to see me as being ill and sick all the time, regardless of how accurate that is.

I've always tried to protect my family anyway. Its just who am I. Right back when I was 14/15 and started being in hospital a lot.

Silly things like, the first time I had a longline put in, was gonna be first thing in the morning (like 7am) and I knew mum couldnt get there at that time, and she'd be upset that she wasnt there. So I didnt tell her. It seems silly now, but at the time it was a big thing! She came up later in the day, and there I was, with my longline. Lol.

I'd do pretty much anything to keep them from worrying. So its just annoying when I get stupid bitchy comments from people.
I just felt like turning round and telling Ryan exactly how much I would LOVE to have a job, and be healthy, and not feel like its a bloody effort to breathe most the time.

So, thats todays moan over. Lol.


1 comment:

  1. Jen i get this all the time with my little bro who is also 18. He trying to get a better job and just keeps saying how easy it is for me on benefits...and im about to go on the damn transplant list lol...they are doing it to wind you up and also my just simply be tired and letting frustrations out but in the wrong way. Try not to take it to heart - even though i do sometimes if im having a bad day anyway. They are still, and always will be, annoying little bros!! xx