26 February 2011

Meh = Best. Word. Ever.

I love the word 'Meh'.
If it can be classed as a word, I guess its more a sound. But either way. Its just so great, it can mean whatever the hell you want it to.

I was very impressed with Snail Mail yesterday. Megz got a letter I sent her yesterday, and I didnt even post it until like, half 5 thursday evening. That was one bloody speedy snail!
If you needed something to arrive that fast, it'd take like a week.
Glad it got there though. And I managed to refrain from sending her take away leaflets. I'll save those for Petey, he did love it when I posted him all the cut out pictures from a kebab leaflet. Mwahaha!


Still struggling with Pain. Bad times.
Every time I eat, I'm in agony about 20 minutes later. Its a nightmare. Plus my appetites been really good recently, and I'd just got the dietician off my back! So now I'm hungry, until I've eaten, then I want to cry. I get to either be hungry, or in pain because I ate.
I'm not really a fan of either option if I'm being honest. Lol.

Last night was a rough one, was in a lot of pain with my stomach, and my head was pounding. And for some reason my mind was away with the fairies, thinking about everything, far too much. I pretty much cried myself to sleep I think.

My minds on the ex a lot too. Still struggling to find closure on that one. If anyones got any pointers, feel free to let me know. Lol.
Everytime I think I'm moving forward, I take a few steps back. It was definately the right decision. Its just a big change.
Now I've had time to get over all the crap, and the bad memories, I'm left with all the good stuff, and that hurts more. =/
I'll get there, I guess.

Went shopping with the parents today. They went to look for a new hoover, because we broke ours a while ago, and we made do with this tiny little stupid thing, we had for the car and stuff. Which is not at all practical for hoovering a whole house. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. Haha. Exciting day.
Totally went into Toys R Us, just to stalk Emma while we were out. No idea where she was though. We found her brother, but no Emma!! How rude, she could at least be around when we try to stalk her, her car was outside and everything!

Lovelove xx

Oh and...
(Just in case some rich person comes across my page... Lol.)

25 February 2011

Hello 3am.

03.16 am.

For crying out loud.

I've given up trying to sleep.

I spent the last hour curled up in a ball, in tears with pain. This time its my stomach.
Well, its everything really. But if we're being specific, its my stomach thats pushed me over the edge tonight. Lol.
I'm used to be permanently in some kind of pain. Well, maybe pain is a bit extreme, but permanently uncomfortable, because my lungs havent been great for a while. But this kind of definite pain that makes you double over and hold yourself, is not fun. Curling up in a ball, clutching at my stomach, trying to find some kind of vaguely comfortable position.

I'd like just one part of my body thats okay.

My lungs, stomach, sinuses, and joints have ALL been playing up today. Painkillers havent really touched any of them. =/
Along with the random and fairly loud buzzing and whirring in my right ear, that comes and goes recently.
Its these kind of days when I would quite happily give up. But I cant, I'll just get on with it the best I can, and hope with all my heart, that when I wake up tomorrow, its a better day.

I'm very aware, that there are few people in this world that I let in completely. I tend to keep my fears, my feelings, my secrets and my thoughts, to myself. Theres only a few people I trust with everything. The last couple of days, I've realised just how much I complain to them. I feel kinda bad, its not fair to give other people all my issues, when they have their own to deal with.
So I'll try to save the whinging and ranting for here. Because if you choose to read, you only have yourself to blame. Haha. ;)

I dont want to become a burden on the people I care about. I love them to much for that.

And todays happy note... I posted something today. Someones getting post... Oooh, exciting! Hehehe.
Yes, little things please little minds.
Also, finally sorted some pictures for my wall to replace my old collage of 'Me and Matt' pictures. Still need to sort through and find pictures of several people to add to it, mainly my close CF friends. But I have a start now, rather than just an empty space.

Lovelove xx
Oh, its 03.42 now. For the record.
*Rolls Eyes*

23 February 2011


So, had clinic this morning.
It wasnt great, but.. It wasnt terrible for a change!! Which really does make a change for me. Lol.

Managed to get a lung function of 55%! Dont ask me how, because my lungs dont FEEL like they're working that well. Haha. It was a bit flukey to be fair, I had one good blow, and then another 5 trying to match it, which wasnt happening. Lol. They were all sat stubbornly at 42/43%.

But anyway, regardless of those numbers. The fact remains that I feel fairly rough, I've picked up a cough, which is waking me up repeatedly during the night, constant tiredness and lack of energy, and I had a couple of small bleeds at the weekend.
The consultant thinks the cough and the blood are probably a sign that we're about to hit that downhill slope again. So they're going to admit me in 2 weeks time, so I can get a week of IVs in before my annual review, and keep on top of things.

So another 2 weeks of Papworth next month... Oh yay. Lol.

It was nice to actually have a Doctor who listened to me. Some of them see a decent lung function, and thats it. You must be fine, no matter how you feel. I had one doctor who refused to let me start home IVs because my lung function hadnt dropped. I went back a week later and it was down 18%.
I generally know myself well enough to know whether I'm right or not. The consultants know that. The registrars, not so much. Lol.

On the plus side, all this shouldnt interfere with our night out on the 5th. A load of us girlies from college are going out to Nando's, which should be a laugh. It'll be good to see everyone. =)
I need a night out.

AND I shouldnt be in for Pancake day... Which is clearly very important! Haha. I missed it last year!
And I would be totally gutted to be in hospital for pancake day, after all my discussions with Meg about pancakes!

21 February 2011

Thoughts for today.

Its horrible, missing someone, and not being able to tell them, because you know they wouldnt care anyway.
Applies to a few people in my life right now. =/

Annual Review next month.
Urgh. I hate these things.
They tell me nearly the same thing every year. My lung function has declined over the year. The glucose tolerance tests have got slightly worse, but I'm still just 'borderline'. My liver ultrasound is not great. Etc etc.
Basically, everything is worse. Well, duh. Couldve told them that myself, without spending about 7 hours sat in the hospital.

And Clinic on wednesday, fun times.
I did actually finally remember to ring the hospital and book transport for clinic. So I can get there now. Always handy.
God I wish I could drive.

*At this point, I randomly remember the giant Jelly I made this morning, is sat in the fridge, untouched. And feel I should tell you.*

I'm not totally insane, this thought was prompted by a text conversation with Stiv, about sugar.

*I also now feel the need to tell you, I typed 'conversation with sugar about Stiv', before I checked this for typos.*

I watched the dispatches program about hospital food tonight. Not something I would normally have watched, because I've experienced hospital food first hand enough times to know how bad it is, but Jordan was on it. So I did.
We are lucky to have options other than the crap on the menu, but to be honest, a lot of the other patients dont, and it really needs sorting. If i relied on the hospital menu while I was ill, I'd be in trouble.

The cat keeps sitting on me. Its cute, to begin with. Now all of a sudden, every time I sit down, he appears, and curls up on my lap. No matter where I am.
I was trying to get ready to go and meet mum from work earlier, so I moved him off my lap, and before I even had time to stand up, he was back on my lap!! Determined little creature. Bless him.
Excellent hot water bottle though.

Also, I have a new obsession with Jam sandwiches.
Totally Tori's fault. =/
Tasty habit though, better than smoking. And cheaper than alcohol. Haha.

Lovelove xx



Just for Megz xx

20 February 2011

Loneliness = Crap

Its a horrible feeling.

People seem to assume, that not working, is really great for me. That I'm so 'lucky' to not have to get up in the morning and drag myself off to work.

The thing is, I'd absolutely love it. I dont not work because I'm lazy, its not that I dont want to. Its that, in a world where its a nightmare to find work anyway, the fact I'm in hospital every 4-6 weeks makes it a whole lot harder to find something suitable.
After the last couple of months, I struggle to get showered and dressed in the morning, or walk the 3 minutes to the shop, let alone work anyway. But still. I'd love to.
When I was at college, and I was doing my placements, I was working 8 hour days in a nursery, running around after toddlers 2 or 3 days a week, and working full weeks during the holidays when there was no college. I was there every spare minute, unless I was actually too sick to be there.
But this was 2 years ago now. This was when my lung function was still sitting in the 70's a lot of the time. When I could manage longer than a month without IVs.

So its not laziness. Its my health. I'm no longer well enough to work a proper job. Simple as.
So I stay home. I do the housework. I do the cooking. I do what I can to help at home.

But people dont realise how lonely it is. I spend hours and hours, on my own, or staring at the computer. Working, is a huge part of peoples social lives. A way of making friends, seeing people. I dont have that.
I have to rely on the friends who've stuck by me since school and college. And most of them, are out working! Or at Uni. Or both. So I still dont see them.
And no working = no money. I'm on the lowest rate of benefits possible at the minute. I get something like £18 a week. It goes nowhere. I'm reliant on my parents a lot. Which makes it even harder to see friends and have any kind of social life, even when I'm well enough to want to go out.

Basically, being alone, sucks.

Not working, sucks.

And people thinking I'm lucky to not work, is driving me insane.

On the plus side, some anonymous person has made a donation to our sponsored walk. And I love them very much. =)
Sometimes, someone comes along and reminds you that there are some amazing people in the world.


Lovelove xx

19 February 2011

Injection of Happyfulness

To offset those last couple of miserable posts.
Lets have a little injection of happy stuff.

A few more things which make me happy...

- Friends. All of them, in general. Its not always the people you expect, that step up when you need them.
- Nesquik.
- Orange Lucozade. I swear, this stuff actually kept me alive when I spent a month in hospital.
- A Busy Calendar. Okay, this ones a little random I know. But theres something satisfying about seeing my calendar hanging on the wall, with loads of stuff scribbled on it. Generally, cos lots of srcibbles means I wasnt in hospital much that month. Haha.
- Texting all night, until one of you falls asleep. =)
- Babies, and the joy they find in simple things. Especially Evie, because I love her lots.
- Phone calls with Stiv and/or Gary. As well as the fact they are awesome, I do love the accent. Lol.
- Rubber Ducks. Totally shocked this got missed off the original list tbh.
- Jelly tots. Haribo. Milk bottles. Percy Pigs.
- Letters, Cards, Notes... Anything in the post that isnt a letter from Papworth. Because thats about all I get in the post.
- Music.
- Jelly. Yes, I am a complete child.
- Ellis and Danni, and the fact we are doing a sponsored walk for the CF Trust. The fact that they agreed to join, and support me with this, means a lot. =)
- Pancake Day. Enough said really. ;)
- Mexican food. Yum.
- Sam. One of my best friends in the world. We fell out for a while, having him back in my life makes me unbelievably happy. =)
- Being a dinosaur. (I have a dinosaur obsession today. Dont ask, I honestly dont know... Lol)
- You guys, for reading the load of rubbish I write. *Hugs*

Lovelove xx


Coughing. Up. Blood.

Angry = Yes. Much.

I'm so bloody frustrated with my useless lungs. Seriously, can they not just give me a break? They screwed up christmas, and my birthday for me, can they not just give me a couple of months off now?

Its 4 weeks, to the day, since my embolisation. It was one of the most horrible experiences I've had, and not something I want to repeat in a hurry. I knew from the start it wouldnt fix the bleeding permanently, but I must admit to hoping that it would control it for a little longer than 4 weeks!!
I've had 2 bleeds in the last 24hrs now. After the events of December and January, when I didnt go longer than 48hrs without a bleed for a month, I'm feeling a little apprehensive.
I just hope this is a blip, and it'll settle. But after last time, I cant help feeling a bit panicky.

Clinic next week anyway. Had my routine check up booked for wednesday, so we'll see how things are then.
I wont be ringing Papworth unless I'm like, dying. I do not like ringing at night/weekends. Because on call doctors are annoying. A majority of the time, they have no idea who you are, and dont really have much knowledge of CF.

Oh well.
What doesnt kill me, makes me stronger. Apparently. Lol.

Lovelove xx

18 February 2011


Sometimes, I wish it was as simple to erase a memory, as it is to delete a picture, or a text message.

Memories of relationships that fall apart.
Memories of friends who drifted away.
Memories of the loved ones who were taken away.

How can something which was so perfect, end up so tainted, end up hurting so much?
Those memories, of the moments which were so beautiful, the moments when we were so happy... How do we deal with them. Theres no way to lock them away. You cant put them in a box and hide them out of sight.

No matter how hard we try.

All it takes is a song. A scene in a film. A smell.

A Photo.


16 February 2011

I'm okay. But not.

I feel kind of stuck recently.
On one hand, I've been home from hospital for 3 and a half weeks, and I dont feel like curling up in a ball and dying. Which is a welcome change.
But on the other. I'm not really 'well'.

I've got a constant underlying cough, nothing major, just enough to guarantee that if I have a giggle, I'll end up coughing, just enough to be irritating, to me and other people. I'm sleeping a lot, and not just at night, just getting so exhausted that by dinner time I've crashed and fall asleep for a couple of hours, which then keeps m up half the night. The slightest things get me stupidly out of breath. If I walk up the stairs I can expect my chest to hurt afterward as revenge. Its so frustrating, because I'm not really ill though, this is just normal now. This is an average day.

Other people with Cf, and health type problems, probably recognise the feeling. Its just annoying, being left kinda hanging. Not 'well' but not 'sick' enough to warrant anyone being bothered.

I hate it. At 20, I should be out, living, having fun, partying all night, and getting up ready to start again the next day. But instead I'm always tired.
If I get invited out anywhere my first thought isnt, 'What do I wear?', like it used to be.
Now its just, 'Can I get away with saying no again? Do I have the energy? Will I be able to get home easily if I cant cope? Have I got enough time to actually get ready?'
It takes a silly amount of time to get ready. Not because I make a fuss, or spend forever staring in a mirror, but just because I have to stop every few minutes and catch my breath. But I want to get ready. I want to go out. I want to see my friends, and have a laugh. I want to be 'normal'.

And this is at 40% lung function? God knows how I'll feel if it drops more.
I know its been a fairly sharp drop over the last year, this time last year I was up at about 65% without too much effort, now I can manage 45% on a good day. But still. It drives me insane.

Oh well. So thats my moan for today.

Lovelove xx

14 February 2011

Valentines xx

So I may not have a 'Valentine' this year, but there are so many friends in my life that I love, that it doesnt seem to matter so much as I thought it might. =)

Seeing as nothing of major excitement or importance has happened in my life, today I'm just gonna explain some of these people.


She is my best friend, and the most amazing friend I'll ever have. We met in year 2, when I moved schools, and I was sat next to her on my first day. We were 6.
Shes not got rid of me since. And she wont either. =)
We've grown up together, been there through everything for each other, and I cant imagine anyone I trust more.
We dont always see each other as much as we'd like, especially now shes at Uni, but after nearly 14 years, we have the kind of friendship where we can go a couple of weeks without speaking, and its like its been 5 minutes when we do catch up.
I love her to bits.

Our relationship is a little more complicated. Mainly because hes several hundred miles away, and I've never actually met him in person. Lol!
But I've known Stiv for quite a while now, and I love him to bits. I know I can tell him absolutely anything, and he nearly always knows what to say, he'll always try to make things better. =)
We are completely insane to be honest, and anyone who read back some of our conversations would agree. As would anyone whos heard some of our phone calls. Especially the ones where hes drunk. And I get to talk to all his random little friends. Hehe.
He can always make me giggle. And when he wants to be, he can be the sweetest person in the world.
Hes my little pet lamb, and I'm grateful everyday that I know him.

I first met Ellis in hospital, back on the childrens ward. We got chatting, and we've been friends since. She is one amazing girl, with the most amazing spirit.
I'm so glad she got her transplant, and another chance at life, because I'd of hated losing her from my life. She is one of the people I admire most, because shes just so happy and positive. And always willing to listen to everyone else.

Its hard to know where to start with Mister Franklin. =)
Hes one of the most amazing, caring and thoughtful people I've ever known. Hes always more interested in keeping everyone else happy, than himself.
He can always make me smile, without fail. Which those of you who know me, will know isnt always easy, because I can be a right moody bitch to be honest.
And his obsession with my cat amuses me, the way he normally asks about my kitty, before me. Hehe! Bless him.
Hes also one of the people I trust most, and probably knows me better than most people in the world. I love him lots. MORE than Jelly tots.

Miss Canavan. She is like a little ray of sunshine in my life. One of the sweetest, most genuinely caring people I've ever met, and so happy and positive. Its amazing to be around, because its basically impossible to be miserable around her.
Shes always so ready to talk, to help, and to just be the best friend you could want.
I cant imagine a life without her in, and to be honest, I dont think I would want to. She brings so much to my life, so much to me, and I love her.


Well, shes just so damn gorgeous. Its a good job I love her or I'd kill her in a mad jealous rampage... ;)
Hehe. And she never fails to make me giggle with her complete insanity. =P


13 February 2011

Boredom makes me copy Megz

So, I'm bored.

Very bored.

And because of this, I am going to steal Megs' idea, and dedicate this post to the things in life which make me happy.
Prepare yourself for the randomness that lives inside my head. Lol.


- My Mum. Shes my best friend in the whole world. I know that whatever happens, she'll be right there. We fall out sometimes, we drive each other insane, but we love each other unconditionally.
- My Dad. I dont know what I'd do without him. He keeps me going. He can always make me smile, regardless of how I feel or whats going on. I love him so much.
- Ryan. Hes my little brother. And we definately have the usual sibling relationship thing going on. But hes amazing, I know if I need him, he'll be there, even if he does moan about it. Lol. Also, I love our lazy days when hes at home. Hanging out with a pizza, and the disney channel, and acting like complete children.
- My cat. I take farrrr too many pictures of my cat. He is more like my child than my pet. Hes so cute, and its like magic, how he always seems to know when I'm ill or sad.
- The fact that Pete Franklin loves my cat far more than he loves me. ;)
- The smell of freshly made hot chocolate.
- Tea. I take after my dad. I cannot function without many cups of tea.
- Tigger. Totally does not need explaining. Its TIGGER! <3
- Haircuts. For some reason, having your hair done, seems to make everything better temporarily.
- Long showers. Same reaons as above.
- Unexpected text messages. Especially the cute kind that show someone, somewhere, is thinking of you.
- Being home alone, music up loud, and singing and dancing around like an idiot.
- Random conversations with friends, that the rest of the world would find completely confusing, or scary! And getting a text message/facebook message/status comment and thinking, 'why do i love this loser?' <3
- Hugs.
- Memories. Remembering something, and not being able to help smiling. =)
- Those special friends, who you know, no matter what the time is, or how insignificant the problem may seem to the rest of the world, they'll be there.
- The sunshine. Theres just something about the sun that makes everything better. And everything looks that bit more beautiful in the sunshine.
- Monkeys. But really, who doesnt love monkeys? ;)

10 February 2011

I want a Pikachu.


Its been going on, on and off, for weeks now. And I may soon just go insane.

On the plus side, I went to see Liz and Evie today. I do love them so much. But it always makes me broody.
I would love to have a baby. To be someones mum. To have someone who loved me unconditionally, and that I could love in return with all my heart.
And babies find joy in the smallest things. They dont care if you have fancy things, and lots of money, because they create their own games. Its amazing to watch.

Lovelove xx

8 February 2011

Rawr. I'm a dinosaur.

Argh. My head is so all over the place.
Men. They suck, really, everyone knows it. Even them!
That is all, for that subject, today.

I'm feeling kinda weird the last couple of days.
Just alone I guess.
I'm kinda fed up of not feeling great. I know I could be worse, but its the NEVER feeling good thats getting to me. I'd like one day of not being in pain, one day of being able to breathe properly. Hell, one hour would do!! Just a little break, and then I'll go back to dealing with it, thats all I want.

5 February 2011

Plenty Giggles

Went to Wycombe yesterday evening, for dinner with Emma and Ben. (Frankie and Bennys... Hmmmm, Yum!) Me and Leanne, should not be trusted to drive anywhere. Despite the fact we had a sat nav.
After it eventually gave up trying to send us on the motorway, (Leanne didnt fancy the m25) It seemed to get its revenge by taking us the most random route it could think of.
And then on the way home, well... LOL. EVERY dark, unlit, single track, creepy road it could think of, we went down it.

It was hilarious. Even with a sat nav, we had no idea where the hell we were most the time.
Never again. Next time Emmas coming home with us. Whether she has Uni work to do or not. LOL!

Also, signed up to do a walk for the CF Trust now. On the 8th May, I will be walking 10km (About 6 miles apparently) through the gorgeous countryside of Ashridge, with Danni and Ellis.
It should be fun. Although at the minute the thought of me walking 6 miles is kinda just funny. Haha.

Anyway, that be all for now I think.

Lovelove xx