16 February 2011

I'm okay. But not.

I feel kind of stuck recently.
On one hand, I've been home from hospital for 3 and a half weeks, and I dont feel like curling up in a ball and dying. Which is a welcome change.
But on the other. I'm not really 'well'.

I've got a constant underlying cough, nothing major, just enough to guarantee that if I have a giggle, I'll end up coughing, just enough to be irritating, to me and other people. I'm sleeping a lot, and not just at night, just getting so exhausted that by dinner time I've crashed and fall asleep for a couple of hours, which then keeps m up half the night. The slightest things get me stupidly out of breath. If I walk up the stairs I can expect my chest to hurt afterward as revenge. Its so frustrating, because I'm not really ill though, this is just normal now. This is an average day.

Other people with Cf, and health type problems, probably recognise the feeling. Its just annoying, being left kinda hanging. Not 'well' but not 'sick' enough to warrant anyone being bothered.

I hate it. At 20, I should be out, living, having fun, partying all night, and getting up ready to start again the next day. But instead I'm always tired.
If I get invited out anywhere my first thought isnt, 'What do I wear?', like it used to be.
Now its just, 'Can I get away with saying no again? Do I have the energy? Will I be able to get home easily if I cant cope? Have I got enough time to actually get ready?'
It takes a silly amount of time to get ready. Not because I make a fuss, or spend forever staring in a mirror, but just because I have to stop every few minutes and catch my breath. But I want to get ready. I want to go out. I want to see my friends, and have a laugh. I want to be 'normal'.

And this is at 40% lung function? God knows how I'll feel if it drops more.
I know its been a fairly sharp drop over the last year, this time last year I was up at about 65% without too much effort, now I can manage 45% on a good day. But still. It drives me insane.

Oh well. So thats my moan for today.

Lovelove xx

No comments:

Post a Comment