Its a horrible feeling.
People seem to assume, that not working, is really great for me. That I'm so 'lucky' to not have to get up in the morning and drag myself off to work.
The thing is, I'd absolutely love it. I dont not work because I'm lazy, its not that I dont want to. Its that, in a world where its a nightmare to find work anyway, the fact I'm in hospital every 4-6 weeks makes it a whole lot harder to find something suitable.
After the last couple of months, I struggle to get showered and dressed in the morning, or walk the 3 minutes to the shop, let alone work anyway. But still. I'd love to.
When I was at college, and I was doing my placements, I was working 8 hour days in a nursery, running around after toddlers 2 or 3 days a week, and working full weeks during the holidays when there was no college. I was there every spare minute, unless I was actually too sick to be there.
But this was 2 years ago now. This was when my lung function was still sitting in the 70's a lot of the time. When I could manage longer than a month without IVs.
So its not laziness. Its my health. I'm no longer well enough to work a proper job. Simple as.
So I stay home. I do the housework. I do the cooking. I do what I can to help at home.
But people dont realise how lonely it is. I spend hours and hours, on my own, or staring at the computer. Working, is a huge part of peoples social lives. A way of making friends, seeing people. I dont have that.
I have to rely on the friends who've stuck by me since school and college. And most of them, are out working! Or at Uni. Or both. So I still dont see them.
And no working = no money. I'm on the lowest rate of benefits possible at the minute. I get something like £18 a week. It goes nowhere. I'm reliant on my parents a lot. Which makes it even harder to see friends and have any kind of social life, even when I'm well enough to want to go out.
Basically, being alone, sucks.
Not working, sucks.
And people thinking I'm lucky to not work, is driving me insane.
On the plus side, some anonymous person has made a donation to our sponsored walk. And I love them very much. =)
Sometimes, someone comes along and reminds you that there are some amazing people in the world.