18 April 2011


Wide awake at bedtime again. *Rolls eyes*

My own fault though, I slept most the day away. Oops.

I went out last night. A friend of mums from work, her husband had a retirement/birthday party. And as dad was doing the disco with Ryan, and mum was going, I got invited along.
I wasnt too sure on whether I wanted to go to be honest. I know a lot of mums work friends, and they're lovely, but they're all older than me, and I wasnt sure what it would be like, or if I'd enjoy myself.
But in the end, I didnt fancy sitting home alone either, so I decided to go. It wasnt too far from home anyway, if I decided I wanted to escape.
But I went. And I kept an open mind, rather than telling myself it would be rubbish.

It was an awesome night though!
Had several drinks. Enough to get happy, giggly drunk, but not stupidly drunk. And danced the night away! Its the first time I've had a proper dance, and enjoyed myself like that in a very long time! I even wore heels. Thats a first since August I think! Lol.
I dont usually wear heels, because I'm 5ft 7 already, which generally makes me taller than most my friends. Lol.
Mums work friends may be older than me, but that certainly doesnt stop them!

Today though.
Today I suffered. =/
This is the bit that drags me down again. A few hours of enjoying myself, and now I'll suffer for days.
Always have to make a choice. Like I couldve gone to Ashridge with my friends today, but I wasnt well enough. So I couldnt go.
Just once it'd be nice to be able to do both, like my friends can.

Then I got annoyed by a friend. Who was comparing how quickly they can walk a km with how fast I can. And they're faster, despite having a lower lung function.
But theyve also had a lower lung function for much longer. Whereas mine has dropped 20% in the last 6 months or so. My body is still struggling to adapt.
Being told that you need to be faster for the sponsored walk you're doing and you could do better if you put in 100% is not helpful sometimes. =/
Its wasnt meant spitefully or anything. Just trying to show me that I can get better if anything I think, bit of encouragement and hope. But it really really got to me in a way they wouldnt realise.

So I sat and I cried. Until I fell asleep, because I already felt rough, and tired and was in pain.
Hence the being awake now. Meh.

I am stressing more about this walk than I'd like to let on. I'm terrified that I'm gonna struggle too much. Or start coughing up blood half way up a hill, cos I usually save these things for the least convenient moments.
I have to do it. Partly because I've been sponsored, but mainly because I'm bloody determined, and I WANT to do it.
All my reasons for originally deciding to do this still stand. I've still lost people who meant the world to me. And my friends are still fighting CF. Nothing has changed. So I'm still doing this.

I can do it. I can do anything I put my mind to. Marc taught me this, and I believe in him, even if I dont always believe in myself so much.

Haha, and despite all the stress, I still want to do Race for Life in June. I've wanted to do it for a few years, but I never have, and I've always done Relay for Life. This year I wont be taking part in Relay, so I am determined to do Race.
In memory of Lyndsey, my friend from school. And in honour of all the people who fight cancer each day, and each year.

And I still want to take part in the Adidas Womens 5k Challenge in Hyde Park in September for the CF Trust.
Its a little more realistic than this crazy 10km stuff I'm doing in 3 weeks. Haha. And if I can find some people who wish to join me, I will probably go for it.

I've kinda thrown myself into fundraising stuff recently.
With each person that passes away, the more determined I am. I want to see a cure. Or at least some kind of treatment. Whatever that may be.
Even if its not something that will be able to help me, I want to see it. I want all the little babies, and children, and all the future CF patients to lead happy and healthy lives, and have their own families.

I dont know if thats realistic or not really. But hey, no one ever said dreams and hopes had to be realistic.

Oh, and then tonight I had a random moment. Dad was messing around outside, while I was watching in my bedroom window.
He cut a glowstick open... And made pretty patterns on the floor. Haha! Much picture taking ensued...

This has been kinda long and rambly. I'm not sure how much makes sense tbh. Apologies. Lol.

Lovelove xx

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