I has GERMS!
Mum was off work during the week with some nasty virus. There were a few people she works with that had the same thing. I tried to look after her, from a distance. Then Dad got it. Then I gave up hope. I knew it was gonna come and attack me.
And it has.
Definitely not feeling too good. I've not been quite right anyway, I think if I'm honest I shouldve stayed in hospital a little longer last time. But I left as soon as I felt better so I didnt have to stay for the bank holiday. Its my own fault.
Now I have the added joy of constant headache, (Thats normal thanks to my sinuses, but I have pains in new parts of my head now) sore throat, stinging nose, constant sleeping, lack of appetite, and general crappiness. Plus its already hitting my chest. Coughing, wheezing, and general achey lung feeling.
Oh keep losing my voice too. <_<
Not fun.
Not funny either. Even if Gavin found it funny on friday.
On the plus side, my weight has been bothering me for a while, not helped by a little brother who likes to tell me I'm fat and/or ugly. Even if hes 'joking' like he claims, its still hitting my insecurities hard.
So the lack of appetite thing. Not bothering me so much.
Will have to be careful though. I have no problems with my weight, which is lucky as a CF patient. BUT when I do stop eating properly, it does just tend to drop. I dropped a stone after I broke up with Matt, in a couple of weeks. Gained it again over the next few months, but the hospital arent happy when it drops like that. They send the dietician to drive me insane.
I've lost 5 pound in the last week, what with reflux problems and being ill affecting my eating patterns. =/
So, I'm all moany and whiney at the minute. But I have no voice, so I am mainly just whiney. Like the noises a puppy makes when its sad. Lol.
Stiv referred to me as Puppyish, in his blog, last week. I think its appropriate to be honest. When I'm sad or ill, I get all whiney, and mopey, and just want to be cuddled. Lol. So now Puppyish is my favourite term.
Although, must remember that most sane people will not understand that. Lol. Do not use Puppyish to describe feelings to the Doctor...
Oh well. I have Clinic wednesday. I think.
(Must remember to ring Papworth tomorrow and check... Lol!)
Probably gonna mean IVs time again. I dont have any fall back oral antibiotics. Because I'm on Septrin permanently, and Cipro makes me ill. Migraines and vomiting, for the Oral or IV version. Nice. =/
I HATE IVS! Gah.
But I need to be well enough to see Stiv. So I shall get over it.
Oh well. Enough moaning for now I guess.
2 weeks til Totday!
4 and a half til Totweek.
Excited to meet everyone. Mainly, of course, TOT! But his friends too. Maybe speak to them when they arent drunk. Hehe.
Just hope they all like me. =|
*Scared*
xxxxx
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Pain. Show all posts
13 June 2011
14 May 2011
Life With CF
What is it like to have CF?
This is a post I've been working on for a little while. I've changed it so many times now, I dont think I'll eve be completely happy with it. But here we go... This is what has survived the many edits.
This is just what CF is like for me...
Well, to begin with, there is no such thing as 'normal'. No two days are the same, and when you go to sleep at night, there is no knowing whether the next day will be a 'good' one or a 'bad' one, or anything in between.
You cannot see CF, as such. Until you are really ill, and needing oxygen or a wheelchair, there are no visible signs that you're 'sick'. Maybe a bit pale and skinny, but thats about it. (Although, I dont even have the usual CF weight problems at the minute. My weight is very very good.)
Sometimes there are ports, or pegs, to give little clues, but theyre easily hidden.
This can be amazing, because it leaves you free to live life without being looked at funny, without people staring and asking questions.
On the other hand sometimes it can be a pain because people dont realise, or they forget, that something isnt quite right, or you might have trouble keeping up.
Its a constant battle between wanting to be seen as normal, and making the allowances that you need to stop yourself from struggling quite so much.
For all its nice to be treated like everyone else, sometimes thats just not going to work. Lol.
Most days, its an effort to breathe. Usually breathing is just something people take for granted. Its a reflex. You dont have to think about it.
But a lot of the time, breathing IS something I think about. Because its really hard to get a proper breath in. My lung capacity is only 45% ish, on a good day, and I can feel it. When I breathe in its like my body wants more, it wants to keep going, but my lungs cant physically breathe in any more. I just end up breathing much faster than 'normal'. Its part of the reason breathing is far more exhausting than people realise at times.
And thats just the usual problems. Theres the days when it hurts to breathe, those days suck. When my lungs actually ache, its hard to explain. Just like a dull achey pain when I breathe in.
Then there is all the drugs.
Now I'm lucky in some ways that a majority of my drugs are tablets. I dont have any antibiotic nebulisers because I cannot tolerate them. They just make my airways close up. I say lucky... Thats not really lucky. I'd much rather have the nebulisers, and need less IVs in the long term.
But even so. I'm taking about 50 tablets a day. Plus the enzymes when I eat. So probably about 80 ish tablets a day. On a 'good' day.
I'm only 20... Its not what most 20 year olds have to deal with.
And I have to remember to actually take them. Even after years of taking all these pills, I still manage to forget. I dont know how its possible. Lol.
And making sure I've eaten before I take them in the morning. Because some of them just make me feel sick if I havent eaten. And throwing them up again, kinda defeats the object of taking them... Lol.
And remembering CREON! (Creon = Enzymes to digest food.) Omg. I'm okay if I'm at home, but as soon as I'm out of routine and enjoying myself, I'm not great at remembering to take them. Either that or I go out and realise that I dont have any on me, and then its the dilemma of am I going to eat without them or not... =/
When I was younger I always remember Mum stopping at the front door if she was going out, and double checking she had her purse, keys and phone. It was a little habit of hers.
If only it were that simple when I go out. I need to remember all the normal things, plus creon, inhaler, pain killers, reflux medication, tissues (in case I decide to cough up blood while I'm out)... And then if I'm on home IVs... Well, thats a whole other story. Haha.
It would be easier if CF was just one thing, but it affects so much. Its not just the lungs, its the liver, the digestive system, the sinuses, the joints and bones... Everything.
One thing that frustrates me now, is getting so easily worn out. You have to start making choices. Little things that most people dont have to consider. For example, You can go to the pub tonight with your friends. All you will do is sit and chat and listen to music, but if you go, you'll be too exhausted to go shopping tomorrow for *insert thing here*.
Or one that catches me out a lot is being asked to go out last minute, and then realising that if I want to go out, I need to wash my hair. If I wash my hair, I'll be too worn out to actually feel like going out anymore... So then what do I do? Lol.
Its so frustrating. I want to be able to do everything... I want to do everything my friends are. =(
One of the hardest things I've found about having CF, is making friends with other patients. Its the most natural thing in the world, to start chatting with someone and get friendly. We understand each other on a different level, have things in common, share feelings and hopes and fears...
But once you know them, once theyre your friend, you have to watch them suffering with all the same problems. Knowing there is nothing you can do to help them. Its horrible.
One of the most horrible feelings I've ever had was being in hospital just before Nick passed away. He was only a few feet away, and I wasnt even allowed to go and give him a hug.
It hurt in a way I'd never felt before.
And all the time, all the time this crap is happening to the people you've grown to care about, you cant stop fighting for a second, because you have to keep fighting for yourself.
Theres always that constant feeling, of knowing things wont really get better. There is no cure, theres no magic fix... Things might be stable for a while or they could get worse, but getting significantly better isn't really option.
As much as it hurts though, my friendships with other CF patients mean the world to me. I wouldnt give them up for anything.
Some of them have grown far past the fact we have CF, and become my closest friends.
Its one of the very few advantages to having CF, it has brought some amazing people into my life. For that, I am very grateful.
It can be completely depressing at times. I have my days when I just want to stay in bed all day, and cry, and ask 'why me?'.
But at the end of the day, it could be worse.
It could always be worse.
xx
(Hope most of that made sense in the end... Lol.)
This is a post I've been working on for a little while. I've changed it so many times now, I dont think I'll eve be completely happy with it. But here we go... This is what has survived the many edits.
This is just what CF is like for me...
Well, to begin with, there is no such thing as 'normal'. No two days are the same, and when you go to sleep at night, there is no knowing whether the next day will be a 'good' one or a 'bad' one, or anything in between.
You cannot see CF, as such. Until you are really ill, and needing oxygen or a wheelchair, there are no visible signs that you're 'sick'. Maybe a bit pale and skinny, but thats about it. (Although, I dont even have the usual CF weight problems at the minute. My weight is very very good.)
Sometimes there are ports, or pegs, to give little clues, but theyre easily hidden.
This can be amazing, because it leaves you free to live life without being looked at funny, without people staring and asking questions.
On the other hand sometimes it can be a pain because people dont realise, or they forget, that something isnt quite right, or you might have trouble keeping up.
Its a constant battle between wanting to be seen as normal, and making the allowances that you need to stop yourself from struggling quite so much.
For all its nice to be treated like everyone else, sometimes thats just not going to work. Lol.
Most days, its an effort to breathe. Usually breathing is just something people take for granted. Its a reflex. You dont have to think about it.
But a lot of the time, breathing IS something I think about. Because its really hard to get a proper breath in. My lung capacity is only 45% ish, on a good day, and I can feel it. When I breathe in its like my body wants more, it wants to keep going, but my lungs cant physically breathe in any more. I just end up breathing much faster than 'normal'. Its part of the reason breathing is far more exhausting than people realise at times.
And thats just the usual problems. Theres the days when it hurts to breathe, those days suck. When my lungs actually ache, its hard to explain. Just like a dull achey pain when I breathe in.
Then there is all the drugs.
Now I'm lucky in some ways that a majority of my drugs are tablets. I dont have any antibiotic nebulisers because I cannot tolerate them. They just make my airways close up. I say lucky... Thats not really lucky. I'd much rather have the nebulisers, and need less IVs in the long term.
But even so. I'm taking about 50 tablets a day. Plus the enzymes when I eat. So probably about 80 ish tablets a day. On a 'good' day.
I'm only 20... Its not what most 20 year olds have to deal with.
And I have to remember to actually take them. Even after years of taking all these pills, I still manage to forget. I dont know how its possible. Lol.
And making sure I've eaten before I take them in the morning. Because some of them just make me feel sick if I havent eaten. And throwing them up again, kinda defeats the object of taking them... Lol.
And remembering CREON! (Creon = Enzymes to digest food.) Omg. I'm okay if I'm at home, but as soon as I'm out of routine and enjoying myself, I'm not great at remembering to take them. Either that or I go out and realise that I dont have any on me, and then its the dilemma of am I going to eat without them or not... =/
When I was younger I always remember Mum stopping at the front door if she was going out, and double checking she had her purse, keys and phone. It was a little habit of hers.
If only it were that simple when I go out. I need to remember all the normal things, plus creon, inhaler, pain killers, reflux medication, tissues (in case I decide to cough up blood while I'm out)... And then if I'm on home IVs... Well, thats a whole other story. Haha.
It would be easier if CF was just one thing, but it affects so much. Its not just the lungs, its the liver, the digestive system, the sinuses, the joints and bones... Everything.
One thing that frustrates me now, is getting so easily worn out. You have to start making choices. Little things that most people dont have to consider. For example, You can go to the pub tonight with your friends. All you will do is sit and chat and listen to music, but if you go, you'll be too exhausted to go shopping tomorrow for *insert thing here*.
Or one that catches me out a lot is being asked to go out last minute, and then realising that if I want to go out, I need to wash my hair. If I wash my hair, I'll be too worn out to actually feel like going out anymore... So then what do I do? Lol.
Its so frustrating. I want to be able to do everything... I want to do everything my friends are. =(
One of the hardest things I've found about having CF, is making friends with other patients. Its the most natural thing in the world, to start chatting with someone and get friendly. We understand each other on a different level, have things in common, share feelings and hopes and fears...
But once you know them, once theyre your friend, you have to watch them suffering with all the same problems. Knowing there is nothing you can do to help them. Its horrible.
One of the most horrible feelings I've ever had was being in hospital just before Nick passed away. He was only a few feet away, and I wasnt even allowed to go and give him a hug.
It hurt in a way I'd never felt before.
And all the time, all the time this crap is happening to the people you've grown to care about, you cant stop fighting for a second, because you have to keep fighting for yourself.
Theres always that constant feeling, of knowing things wont really get better. There is no cure, theres no magic fix... Things might be stable for a while or they could get worse, but getting significantly better isn't really option.
As much as it hurts though, my friendships with other CF patients mean the world to me. I wouldnt give them up for anything.
Some of them have grown far past the fact we have CF, and become my closest friends.
Its one of the very few advantages to having CF, it has brought some amazing people into my life. For that, I am very grateful.
It can be completely depressing at times. I have my days when I just want to stay in bed all day, and cry, and ask 'why me?'.
But at the end of the day, it could be worse.
It could always be worse.
xx
(Hope most of that made sense in the end... Lol.)
20 April 2011
Sunshine, Doctors and the better side of CF
I love the sunshine!
So so much. =)
I finally, after weeks of needing to, went and sorted myself out a GP appointment today to go through all my repeat prescription stuff, and make sure the GP and Papworth have lists that match.
Technically, this isnt my job. Because Papworth always tell them about all my changes. But unless I physically sit with the Dr and watch him change each thing in the computer, nothing gets updated. Lol.
They shouldnt be too far off. I think its only the inhalers and calcium that have changed since I last did it. =/ But who knows. Lol. Papworth are always changing something.
I've had 2 people say they'll do the Adidas 5k with me in London in September! So it looks like I'll be doing it now. =)
Once I get there I'll know plenty of people. But it was to travelling to and from London alone that bothered me. So now I have friends! YAY!
Ashridge walk is getting scarily close now. And yet so far away too. 2 and a half weeks is far too long, because I can so easily get ill in that space of time! LoL! I want to get it over and done with while I'm feeling fairly good! Haha.
We've raised just over £370 now in sponsor money, which I'm very pleased with! =)
My sinuses are still driving me insane. Some days are worse than others. Last night I was back to being in tears with pain, and barely able to even see. Today has been slightly better.
I still cant stop the painkillers though, or its unbearable. =/ Not ideal. Especially not with my liver.
Oh well.
I'll get there in the end. I always do.
I'm trying to accept that things wont ever be perfect. And I just have to make the best of it all.
Of course, some days thats easier to accept than others. Some days I want to scream, and cry, and punch things. (Which of course doesnt help, just means I'm more breathless than usual... Lol.) On the good days its easier to just try and accept everything. I guess thats what keeps you sane on the bad days. If I was just constantly angry and upset, I'd never survive, I'd go insane.
The good helps balance the bad, and so we continue...
Just have to keep reminding myself that yes, this is rubbish, and its not particularly fair, but its also not the worst thing in the world. I have my family, I have my friends, I have a safe and loving home, and I have food and water. Some people dont have that.
Plus, as much as I hate CF, it has had its positives.
I've grown up with a more understanding attitude towards other people I think. I try to be thoughtful of other peoples feelings.
I've met some amazing people through being in hospital. With and without CF. I've learnt a lot from them. About health, about life, and about everything else too.
I'm far closer to my parents, in particular my Mum, than a lot of people my age. Shes put up with a lot for me, and given up a lot to make sure I have the best life possible. I love my Parents so much.
I've made some truly amazing friends. I wouldnt have met Ellis or Danni if I hadnt been in hospital. I wouldnt know Stiv, or Pete, or Megz, or Tori, or so many amazing people if it wasnt for the fact I have CF. And to be honest I cant imagine a life without ANY of them. Stiv and Pete in particular, I can tell ANYTHING to, and there arent many people in the world I trust more than them.
I love my CF friends just as much as all my other friends. I care about them just as much, and they've made my life better in so many ways.
They understand me in different ways, better in many ways than my other friends, and even my family can. I can laugh with them, cry with them, and they are just as important to me.
Theyve taught me that I'm not alone. And I love each of them a lot for that.
I would make an awesome nurse. Or pharmacist. ;) HAHA!
I know far too many drugs, and can pretty much diagnose and prescribe treatment for half the things my family get wrong with them. Hehe.
I've also learnt to appreciate the work of medical staff so much more. As much as they can be annoying, and frustrating, they are working tirelessly to take care of other people.
Especially nurses, who have to do their own job, and being on the frontline, take all the blows from the patients when they get fed up, and keep the familys happy, and still keep a smile on their face.
CF has given me a sense of humour. I have learnt to laugh at things that would worry or shock other people. I often get asked by people how I can laugh about things.
Its simple. Laugh, or cry. I'd go insane if I didnt learn to laugh at myself. Lol.
Although I have lost friends to CF, its taught me to appreciate life, and friendship. I miss them everyday, but it gives me something to focus on. However bad things get, I have this overwhelming desire to live my life, and do the things they didnt have the chance to do. I dont want them to see me wasting what I have.
I try to appreciate everything, however small. And I'm easily pleased.
Sometimes its hard to show, but deep down, I know I'm lucky really.
I'm here, I'm safe, and I'm loved.
Lovelove xx
So so much. =)
I finally, after weeks of needing to, went and sorted myself out a GP appointment today to go through all my repeat prescription stuff, and make sure the GP and Papworth have lists that match.
Technically, this isnt my job. Because Papworth always tell them about all my changes. But unless I physically sit with the Dr and watch him change each thing in the computer, nothing gets updated. Lol.
They shouldnt be too far off. I think its only the inhalers and calcium that have changed since I last did it. =/ But who knows. Lol. Papworth are always changing something.
I've had 2 people say they'll do the Adidas 5k with me in London in September! So it looks like I'll be doing it now. =)
Once I get there I'll know plenty of people. But it was to travelling to and from London alone that bothered me. So now I have friends! YAY!
Ashridge walk is getting scarily close now. And yet so far away too. 2 and a half weeks is far too long, because I can so easily get ill in that space of time! LoL! I want to get it over and done with while I'm feeling fairly good! Haha.
We've raised just over £370 now in sponsor money, which I'm very pleased with! =)
My sinuses are still driving me insane. Some days are worse than others. Last night I was back to being in tears with pain, and barely able to even see. Today has been slightly better.
I still cant stop the painkillers though, or its unbearable. =/ Not ideal. Especially not with my liver.
Oh well.
I'll get there in the end. I always do.
I'm trying to accept that things wont ever be perfect. And I just have to make the best of it all.
Of course, some days thats easier to accept than others. Some days I want to scream, and cry, and punch things. (Which of course doesnt help, just means I'm more breathless than usual... Lol.) On the good days its easier to just try and accept everything. I guess thats what keeps you sane on the bad days. If I was just constantly angry and upset, I'd never survive, I'd go insane.
The good helps balance the bad, and so we continue...
Just have to keep reminding myself that yes, this is rubbish, and its not particularly fair, but its also not the worst thing in the world. I have my family, I have my friends, I have a safe and loving home, and I have food and water. Some people dont have that.
Plus, as much as I hate CF, it has had its positives.
I've grown up with a more understanding attitude towards other people I think. I try to be thoughtful of other peoples feelings.
I've met some amazing people through being in hospital. With and without CF. I've learnt a lot from them. About health, about life, and about everything else too.
I'm far closer to my parents, in particular my Mum, than a lot of people my age. Shes put up with a lot for me, and given up a lot to make sure I have the best life possible. I love my Parents so much.
I've made some truly amazing friends. I wouldnt have met Ellis or Danni if I hadnt been in hospital. I wouldnt know Stiv, or Pete, or Megz, or Tori, or so many amazing people if it wasnt for the fact I have CF. And to be honest I cant imagine a life without ANY of them. Stiv and Pete in particular, I can tell ANYTHING to, and there arent many people in the world I trust more than them.
I love my CF friends just as much as all my other friends. I care about them just as much, and they've made my life better in so many ways.
They understand me in different ways, better in many ways than my other friends, and even my family can. I can laugh with them, cry with them, and they are just as important to me.
Theyve taught me that I'm not alone. And I love each of them a lot for that.
I would make an awesome nurse. Or pharmacist. ;) HAHA!
I know far too many drugs, and can pretty much diagnose and prescribe treatment for half the things my family get wrong with them. Hehe.
I've also learnt to appreciate the work of medical staff so much more. As much as they can be annoying, and frustrating, they are working tirelessly to take care of other people.
Especially nurses, who have to do their own job, and being on the frontline, take all the blows from the patients when they get fed up, and keep the familys happy, and still keep a smile on their face.
CF has given me a sense of humour. I have learnt to laugh at things that would worry or shock other people. I often get asked by people how I can laugh about things.
Its simple. Laugh, or cry. I'd go insane if I didnt learn to laugh at myself. Lol.
Although I have lost friends to CF, its taught me to appreciate life, and friendship. I miss them everyday, but it gives me something to focus on. However bad things get, I have this overwhelming desire to live my life, and do the things they didnt have the chance to do. I dont want them to see me wasting what I have.
I try to appreciate everything, however small. And I'm easily pleased.
Sometimes its hard to show, but deep down, I know I'm lucky really.
I'm here, I'm safe, and I'm loved.
Lovelove xx
2 April 2011
72 hours.
72 hours...
Thats now long I've been at home.
3 days. Or 72 hours.
And already I am exhausted. I've done nothing major. I went into town thursday yes, but only to pick up a mothers day card, and a birthday card. Not to do anything majorly exciting and energetic. And I went to the pub. But thats all, I wasnt clubbing, I didnt dance. I just sat, and chatted and giggled.
I'm 20 years old. I should be able to handle that, yeah?
But my body has other ideas.
I'm wheezing. My lungs are bubbling and crackling when I breath. Last night I had a bleed. Not a massive one, but still not ideal. When I laugh, I end up having a coughing fit. When I cough it hurts my chest. My sinuses are playing up too, so I've had a constant headache, and every cough hurts my head too.
My joints are playing up. Particularly my fingers. They are temporarily okay right now, because I'm dosed up on diclofenac, but when I'm not drugged up on painkillers, I cant type, or text properly, or even hold and manage a fork properly, without it hurting.
And this is 3 days out of the hospital. This is when I should be feeling my best!
I'm trying desperately to convince my parents I'm okay. I hate them fussing and worrying. Mum knows something isnt right, she just doesnt realise quite how 'not right' things are. I dont want to ring the hospital yet. I want to be at home, I want long enough to actually enjoy being home.
Today, CF wins. Because I dont have the energy to fight. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe tomorrow I'll win. Maybe it will be worse. Who knows.
This is my life right now. And sometimes, it sucks tbh.
xx
Thats now long I've been at home.
3 days. Or 72 hours.
And already I am exhausted. I've done nothing major. I went into town thursday yes, but only to pick up a mothers day card, and a birthday card. Not to do anything majorly exciting and energetic. And I went to the pub. But thats all, I wasnt clubbing, I didnt dance. I just sat, and chatted and giggled.
I'm 20 years old. I should be able to handle that, yeah?
But my body has other ideas.
I'm wheezing. My lungs are bubbling and crackling when I breath. Last night I had a bleed. Not a massive one, but still not ideal. When I laugh, I end up having a coughing fit. When I cough it hurts my chest. My sinuses are playing up too, so I've had a constant headache, and every cough hurts my head too.
My joints are playing up. Particularly my fingers. They are temporarily okay right now, because I'm dosed up on diclofenac, but when I'm not drugged up on painkillers, I cant type, or text properly, or even hold and manage a fork properly, without it hurting.
And this is 3 days out of the hospital. This is when I should be feeling my best!
I'm trying desperately to convince my parents I'm okay. I hate them fussing and worrying. Mum knows something isnt right, she just doesnt realise quite how 'not right' things are. I dont want to ring the hospital yet. I want to be at home, I want long enough to actually enjoy being home.
Today, CF wins. Because I dont have the energy to fight. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe tomorrow I'll win. Maybe it will be worse. Who knows.
This is my life right now. And sometimes, it sucks tbh.
xx
9 March 2011
Monkeys.
Dont ask why this is called Monkeys. Just the first thing to enter my head.
Yes, I am weird.
And proud.
Urgh, it is majorly sucky when you let someone into your head, tell them all your feelings.
And they throw it back in your face to hurt you.
Yes, I said sucky. Deal with it. Sucky can be substituted for one of many rude words if you wish.
Not impressed tbh.
Thats the last time I let you into my world.
Sooo, the pain is back with a vengance. Every time I eat more than a 2 year old, I'm in agony. Time to give up eating again. Also, this means Pancake day passed, and I didnt have a single pancake. =/ Bad times, guys, bad times.
Looks like I will be paying papworth a visit, if they remember me. I may not stay long if my chest is okay, but I could do with them looking into this stomach issue. I've tried all my methods. Gah.
Chest is starting to play up anyway... We wont even discuss what I was coughing up the last couple of days. = Better out than in, I know. But still not pleasant. Not wonder my lungs are so screwed if thats what theyre keeping down there! Haha.
AND my joints are playing up. God, I love my body. Not. *Rolls eyes*
Spend most the day, walking round like someone whos about 70. If it can be classed as walking. Lol.
I'm currently sat here listening to my cat meowing angrily at my bedroom door. Normally he comes in a sits/sleeps on my windowsill, as thats his current favourite place.
However, I have about 80 dvds sat on my windowsill. And was woken up at 4am this morning, by about 20 dvds hitting the floor, because he'd decided he wanted to be on TOP of a pile of them.
Normally this would be funny. But seeing as I was asleep, and woken up by the crash as it all hit the floor, I wasnt impressed. Being asleep meant I also missed the sight of him falling, which wouldve made it better, for me. Lol.
So tonight, he can just stay out there and meow.
I'm seriously considering packing him up and sending him to live with Pete, seeing as Pete seems to love him so much. And asks about him like, hourly. Lol.
Anyway, that is all for tonight I think.
Besides, Stiv keeps texting me and telling me to go to sleep. LOL. Bless him. Does he not realise 1am is early for me. Hehe.
Do love him though, hes been there for me lots recently. =)
Lovelove everyone xx
Yes, I am weird.
And proud.
Urgh, it is majorly sucky when you let someone into your head, tell them all your feelings.
And they throw it back in your face to hurt you.
Yes, I said sucky. Deal with it. Sucky can be substituted for one of many rude words if you wish.
Not impressed tbh.
Thats the last time I let you into my world.
Sooo, the pain is back with a vengance. Every time I eat more than a 2 year old, I'm in agony. Time to give up eating again. Also, this means Pancake day passed, and I didnt have a single pancake. =/ Bad times, guys, bad times.
Looks like I will be paying papworth a visit, if they remember me. I may not stay long if my chest is okay, but I could do with them looking into this stomach issue. I've tried all my methods. Gah.
Chest is starting to play up anyway... We wont even discuss what I was coughing up the last couple of days. = Better out than in, I know. But still not pleasant. Not wonder my lungs are so screwed if thats what theyre keeping down there! Haha.
AND my joints are playing up. God, I love my body. Not. *Rolls eyes*
Spend most the day, walking round like someone whos about 70. If it can be classed as walking. Lol.
I'm currently sat here listening to my cat meowing angrily at my bedroom door. Normally he comes in a sits/sleeps on my windowsill, as thats his current favourite place.
However, I have about 80 dvds sat on my windowsill. And was woken up at 4am this morning, by about 20 dvds hitting the floor, because he'd decided he wanted to be on TOP of a pile of them.
Normally this would be funny. But seeing as I was asleep, and woken up by the crash as it all hit the floor, I wasnt impressed. Being asleep meant I also missed the sight of him falling, which wouldve made it better, for me. Lol.
So tonight, he can just stay out there and meow.
I'm seriously considering packing him up and sending him to live with Pete, seeing as Pete seems to love him so much. And asks about him like, hourly. Lol.
Anyway, that is all for tonight I think.
Besides, Stiv keeps texting me and telling me to go to sleep. LOL. Bless him. Does he not realise 1am is early for me. Hehe.
Do love him though, hes been there for me lots recently. =)
Lovelove everyone xx
26 February 2011
Meh = Best. Word. Ever.
I love the word 'Meh'.
If it can be classed as a word, I guess its more a sound. But either way. Its just so great, it can mean whatever the hell you want it to.
I was very impressed with Snail Mail yesterday. Megz got a letter I sent her yesterday, and I didnt even post it until like, half 5 thursday evening. That was one bloody speedy snail!
If you needed something to arrive that fast, it'd take like a week.
Glad it got there though. And I managed to refrain from sending her take away leaflets. I'll save those for Petey, he did love it when I posted him all the cut out pictures from a kebab leaflet. Mwahaha!
=)
Still struggling with Pain. Bad times.
Every time I eat, I'm in agony about 20 minutes later. Its a nightmare. Plus my appetites been really good recently, and I'd just got the dietician off my back! So now I'm hungry, until I've eaten, then I want to cry. I get to either be hungry, or in pain because I ate.
I'm not really a fan of either option if I'm being honest. Lol.
Last night was a rough one, was in a lot of pain with my stomach, and my head was pounding. And for some reason my mind was away with the fairies, thinking about everything, far too much. I pretty much cried myself to sleep I think.
My minds on the ex a lot too. Still struggling to find closure on that one. If anyones got any pointers, feel free to let me know. Lol.
Everytime I think I'm moving forward, I take a few steps back. It was definately the right decision. Its just a big change.
Now I've had time to get over all the crap, and the bad memories, I'm left with all the good stuff, and that hurts more. =/
I'll get there, I guess.
Went shopping with the parents today. They went to look for a new hoover, because we broke ours a while ago, and we made do with this tiny little stupid thing, we had for the car and stuff. Which is not at all practical for hoovering a whole house. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. Haha. Exciting day.
Totally went into Toys R Us, just to stalk Emma while we were out. No idea where she was though. We found her brother, but no Emma!! How rude, she could at least be around when we try to stalk her, her car was outside and everything!
Lovelove xx
Oh and...
http://www.justgiving.com/Danielle-Canavan0
(Just in case some rich person comes across my page... Lol.)
If it can be classed as a word, I guess its more a sound. But either way. Its just so great, it can mean whatever the hell you want it to.
I was very impressed with Snail Mail yesterday. Megz got a letter I sent her yesterday, and I didnt even post it until like, half 5 thursday evening. That was one bloody speedy snail!
If you needed something to arrive that fast, it'd take like a week.
Glad it got there though. And I managed to refrain from sending her take away leaflets. I'll save those for Petey, he did love it when I posted him all the cut out pictures from a kebab leaflet. Mwahaha!
=)
Still struggling with Pain. Bad times.
Every time I eat, I'm in agony about 20 minutes later. Its a nightmare. Plus my appetites been really good recently, and I'd just got the dietician off my back! So now I'm hungry, until I've eaten, then I want to cry. I get to either be hungry, or in pain because I ate.
I'm not really a fan of either option if I'm being honest. Lol.
Last night was a rough one, was in a lot of pain with my stomach, and my head was pounding. And for some reason my mind was away with the fairies, thinking about everything, far too much. I pretty much cried myself to sleep I think.
My minds on the ex a lot too. Still struggling to find closure on that one. If anyones got any pointers, feel free to let me know. Lol.
Everytime I think I'm moving forward, I take a few steps back. It was definately the right decision. Its just a big change.
Now I've had time to get over all the crap, and the bad memories, I'm left with all the good stuff, and that hurts more. =/
I'll get there, I guess.
Went shopping with the parents today. They went to look for a new hoover, because we broke ours a while ago, and we made do with this tiny little stupid thing, we had for the car and stuff. Which is not at all practical for hoovering a whole house. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. Haha. Exciting day.
Totally went into Toys R Us, just to stalk Emma while we were out. No idea where she was though. We found her brother, but no Emma!! How rude, she could at least be around when we try to stalk her, her car was outside and everything!
Lovelove xx
Oh and...
http://www.justgiving.com/Danielle-Canavan0
(Just in case some rich person comes across my page... Lol.)
25 February 2011
Hello 3am.
03.16 am.
For crying out loud.
I've given up trying to sleep.
I spent the last hour curled up in a ball, in tears with pain. This time its my stomach.
Well, its everything really. But if we're being specific, its my stomach thats pushed me over the edge tonight. Lol.
I'm used to be permanently in some kind of pain. Well, maybe pain is a bit extreme, but permanently uncomfortable, because my lungs havent been great for a while. But this kind of definite pain that makes you double over and hold yourself, is not fun. Curling up in a ball, clutching at my stomach, trying to find some kind of vaguely comfortable position.
I'd like just one part of my body thats okay.
My lungs, stomach, sinuses, and joints have ALL been playing up today. Painkillers havent really touched any of them. =/
Along with the random and fairly loud buzzing and whirring in my right ear, that comes and goes recently.
Its these kind of days when I would quite happily give up. But I cant, I'll just get on with it the best I can, and hope with all my heart, that when I wake up tomorrow, its a better day.
I'm very aware, that there are few people in this world that I let in completely. I tend to keep my fears, my feelings, my secrets and my thoughts, to myself. Theres only a few people I trust with everything. The last couple of days, I've realised just how much I complain to them. I feel kinda bad, its not fair to give other people all my issues, when they have their own to deal with.
So I'll try to save the whinging and ranting for here. Because if you choose to read, you only have yourself to blame. Haha. ;)
I dont want to become a burden on the people I care about. I love them to much for that.
Lovelove xx
For crying out loud.
I've given up trying to sleep.
I spent the last hour curled up in a ball, in tears with pain. This time its my stomach.
Well, its everything really. But if we're being specific, its my stomach thats pushed me over the edge tonight. Lol.
I'm used to be permanently in some kind of pain. Well, maybe pain is a bit extreme, but permanently uncomfortable, because my lungs havent been great for a while. But this kind of definite pain that makes you double over and hold yourself, is not fun. Curling up in a ball, clutching at my stomach, trying to find some kind of vaguely comfortable position.
I'd like just one part of my body thats okay.
My lungs, stomach, sinuses, and joints have ALL been playing up today. Painkillers havent really touched any of them. =/
Along with the random and fairly loud buzzing and whirring in my right ear, that comes and goes recently.
Its these kind of days when I would quite happily give up. But I cant, I'll just get on with it the best I can, and hope with all my heart, that when I wake up tomorrow, its a better day.
I'm very aware, that there are few people in this world that I let in completely. I tend to keep my fears, my feelings, my secrets and my thoughts, to myself. Theres only a few people I trust with everything. The last couple of days, I've realised just how much I complain to them. I feel kinda bad, its not fair to give other people all my issues, when they have their own to deal with.
So I'll try to save the whinging and ranting for here. Because if you choose to read, you only have yourself to blame. Haha. ;)
I dont want to become a burden on the people I care about. I love them to much for that.
And todays happy note... I posted something today. Someones getting post... Oooh, exciting! Hehehe.
Yes, little things please little minds.
Also, finally sorted some pictures for my wall to replace my old collage of 'Me and Matt' pictures. Still need to sort through and find pictures of several people to add to it, mainly my close CF friends. But I have a start now, rather than just an empty space.
Lovelove xx
Oh, its 03.42 now. For the record.
*Rolls Eyes*
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)