Random Stuffness.

Sooo, whats happened since wednesday?

My train tickets arrivedd!!! Eeeeeeeeeeeep! The very next morning, which was pretty damn impressive tbh.
Sooooo excited now. The next 5 and a half weeks are going to be sooooo slow!
I'm going to see a TOT!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
He will be sooooo sick of me after being stuck with me for 5 whole nights. I'll probably be kicked out by the friday night. Haha.
Or the first time I start singing reealllyyy badly to myself.
Also, I hope he has stocked up on Orange Lucozade before I get there... Hehe.
Lol.
Tot Tot Tot Tot Tot!
This is like 3 years of excitement, all squished into a few weeks! =)
And to think I was so excited about going to London for the Day! I keep forgetting about that part now! Haha.

Anyway, we went off the Southend thursday. The weather was absolutely gorgeous! Although, we were sat eating some chips on the seafront, and there was this HUGE gust of wind, and it blew chips everywhere, and a full can of coke straight into ryans lap! Which, naturally, I found HILARIOUS.
I'm such a mean sister. Lol.
I took lots of pictures with my new camera. I LOVE my camera.
Anddddd I SAW A PETEY!
Well, he saw me... I managed to walk straight past him. Even though I was looking for him. Clearly I'm very observant. =/

Saturday I saw Gavin. =) We went up to Ashridge, and it was sooo pretty. Was a little concerned that we'd end up getting lost on the way, like when we followed Ryans Sat Nav... And my sense of direction would be no help to anyone. But Gavins sat nav is clearly better cos we got there fine. Lol
Wandered through the trees and found this random little house/hut/shack/shed... I would imagine it belonged to whoever looked after the grounds at one point, but now its just something for kids to write all over. Haha.
So theres me, sat on the little deck, watching Gavin wander around aimlessly, then hes just all, 'I wonder how many people have been killed here...' Haha! Totally scares me at times. ;)

Then yesterday me and the family were GOING to go for a picnic... But it rained. So we just had our picnic in the car, cos we're cool like that. =)

It was fine by me, cos I feel pretty rough the last couple of days. All I want to do is sleep. =/ Meh.

I think I was awake for about 8 hours yesterday... Out of the whole day... Thats not right!! Lol.

Ah well.

Love Love xx

Bored of pretending.

I'm having one of those days today, I think.
I am just bored of pretending things are okay, when they arent. I dont specifically mean now, I mean in general.
Its been coming for a couple of days. It was Ryan that started all this off this time.

Ryans currently at college, studying his second year of a mechanic/engineering course. He goes to college all day Monday and Thursday, and half days on Tuesday and Friday.
He works sundays in the Co-op, and 3 hours on a wednesday. (Plus various overtime.)
Hes now got himself some work experience at a BMW Garage on a tuesday afternoon and all day wednesday, which will hopefully lead to an apprenticeship.
Now initially, I was really happy for him. But then he goes and ruins it all by being bitchy.

He turned round to me a couple of days ago, when I'd asked him if he could empty the bin, cos I was cooking dinner, and started on me, big time.
Going on about how he has 2 jobs, and is at college, and all I do is 'cook the bloody dinner sometimes', so I could do it myself and stop being so pathetic and lazy. Then went on to go on about how I should go and get a job, and then I'd understand how everyone else felt.

I added to my 'patheticness' at this point, and burst into tears.

Now, hes 18 years old. Hes not stupid. He knows WHY I dont work. He knows how often I'm ill and in hospital.

Its partly my fault I guess. I've always had this overwhelming urge to protect Ryan from the truth about CF. Obviously, as hes got older, thats got harder, but I'm still not completely honest about how bad I feel with him.
Hes my little brother at the end of the day, I was to be his big sister, I want to protect him and look after him. I dont want him to see me as being ill and sick all the time, regardless of how accurate that is.

I've always tried to protect my family anyway. Its just who am I. Right back when I was 14/15 and started being in hospital a lot.

Silly things like, the first time I had a longline put in, was gonna be first thing in the morning (like 7am) and I knew mum couldnt get there at that time, and she'd be upset that she wasnt there. So I didnt tell her. It seems silly now, but at the time it was a big thing! She came up later in the day, and there I was, with my longline. Lol.

I'd do pretty much anything to keep them from worrying. So its just annoying when I get stupid bitchy comments from people.
I just felt like turning round and telling Ryan exactly how much I would LOVE to have a job, and be healthy, and not feel like its a bloody effort to breathe most the time.

So, thats todays moan over. Lol.

xx

Midnight ramblings

Sooo. I wasnt gonna write a blog tonight. But Gavin apparently actually likes to read the utter rubbish I write, and he said I should.
Personally I think he just likes the excuse to read something that isnt about Biochemistry. Lol.
But I do like to keep him happy, cos hes pretty awesome. So here we go...

Disclaimer: I have been to the pub to see a band tonight, and had several drinks. I will like, triple check this before I publish it, but I apologise for any spelling mistakes that sneak through... Lol!
My phone usually saves me from those horrible alcohol influenced typos and spelling errors, because I use predictive text, and I can only use words in a dictionary... Haha!

I've had a good couple of days really. Yesterday evening I went out with Mum, Dad and Ryan, we drove up to ashridge and went for a wander. Did plenty of climbing. Well, not sure you can call what I did climbing. I wasnt quite so brave as the boys were. Haha. But still, it was a giggle. I'm sure I'm closer to my parents, just because we all act like idiots together.
And its sooooo pretty up there too, I love it.

Today I went shopping in Harpenden with Liz and Evie. Originally we planned to go look at Wedding cakes for Liz and Ashley, but the shop was closed, typically! So we wandered round the other shops. Lots of clothes and toy shops. Personally, I was with Evie, and prefering the toy shops. =) I'm such a kid at heart.
There was one shop that had this gorgeous wooden castle, and all the little wooden people, and I so wanted it!! And the little wooden train set.
Not sure I can ask for a wooden train set for my 21st Birthday though... Might get some strange looks.
I'd love to be a kid again. Watching Evies little face looking at all the toys, and pretty things. It would be amazing to be that carefree and content again.

ARGH! My arm hurts.
* Just tried to brush my hair... *
Yes, I have the attention span of a goldfish. Or worse.

I woke up this morning, and I've done something strange in my sleep, because my left arm REALLY hurts. I can barely move it without getting really sharp pains shooting up it.
I'm not used to these 'normal' pains.
I can deal with the CF related stuff, but I whine like a bitch about this kind of thing. LOL!
Dad says its a symptom of too much texting... LOL! I say hes just jealous because Gavin and Stiv dont text him... Haha.

Its only like a couple of days til my walk now!!
I'm so excited.
I'm so terrifed.
Haha. I am sure I can do this now though. Powered by adrenalin, determination, and probably Lucozade. ;)
Also, Got my CF Trust Tshirt in the post today. =)

I just hope that I can make Marc proud. He meant so much to me, and had such an impact on the person I am, and the person I will be. I wish there was a better way I could show it.
Miss him, very much.

So, thats my ramblings for tonight.

Love xx

Sunshine, Doctors and the better side of CF

I love the sunshine!
So so much. =)

I finally, after weeks of needing to, went and sorted myself out a GP appointment today to go through all my repeat prescription stuff, and make sure the GP and Papworth have lists that match.
Technically, this isnt my job. Because Papworth always tell them about all my changes. But unless I physically sit with the Dr and watch him change each thing in the computer, nothing gets updated. Lol.
They shouldnt be too far off. I think its only the inhalers and calcium that have changed since I last did it. =/ But who knows. Lol. Papworth are always changing something.

I've had 2 people say they'll do the Adidas 5k with me in London in September! So it looks like I'll be doing it now. =)
Once I get there I'll know plenty of people. But it was to travelling to and from London alone that bothered me. So now I have friends! YAY!

Ashridge walk is getting scarily close now. And yet so far away too. 2 and a half weeks is far too long, because I can so easily get ill in that space of time! LoL! I want to get it over and done with while I'm feeling fairly good! Haha.
We've raised just over £370 now in sponsor money, which I'm very pleased with! =)

My sinuses are still driving me insane. Some days are worse than others. Last night I was back to being in tears with pain, and barely able to even see. Today has been slightly better.
I still cant stop the painkillers though, or its unbearable. =/ Not ideal. Especially not with my liver.

Oh well.

I'll get there in the end. I always do.

I'm trying to accept that things wont ever be perfect. And I just have to make the best of it all.
Of course, some days thats easier to accept than others. Some days I want to scream, and cry, and punch things. (Which of course doesnt help, just means I'm more breathless than usual... Lol.) On the good days its easier to just try and accept everything. I guess thats what keeps you sane on the bad days. If I was just constantly angry and upset, I'd never survive, I'd go insane.
The good helps balance the bad, and so we continue...

Just have to keep reminding myself that yes, this is rubbish, and its not particularly fair, but its also not the worst thing in the world. I have my family, I have my friends, I have a safe and loving home, and I have food and water. Some people dont have that.

Plus, as much as I hate CF, it has had its positives.

I've grown up with a more understanding attitude towards other people I think. I try to be thoughtful of other peoples feelings.

I've met some amazing people through being in hospital. With and without CF. I've learnt a lot from them. About health, about life, and about everything else too.

I'm far closer to my parents, in particular my Mum, than a lot of people my age. Shes put up with a lot for me, and given up a lot to make sure I have the best life possible. I love my Parents so much.

I've made some truly amazing friends. I wouldnt have met Ellis or Danni if I hadnt been in hospital. I wouldnt know Stiv, or Pete, or Megz, or Tori, or so many amazing people if it wasnt for the fact I have CF. And to be honest I cant imagine a life without ANY of them. Stiv and Pete in particular, I can tell ANYTHING to, and there arent many people in the world I trust more than them.
I love my CF friends just as much as all my other friends. I care about them just as much, and they've made my life better in so many ways.
They understand me in different ways, better in many ways than my other friends, and even my family can. I can laugh with them, cry with them, and they are just as important to me.
Theyve taught me that I'm not alone. And I love each of them a lot for that.

I would make an awesome nurse. Or pharmacist. ;) HAHA!
I know far too many drugs, and can pretty much diagnose and prescribe treatment for half the things my family get wrong with them. Hehe.

I've also learnt to appreciate the work of medical staff so much more. As much as they can be annoying, and frustrating, they are working tirelessly to take care of other people.
Especially nurses, who have to do their own job, and being on the frontline, take all the blows from the patients when they get fed up, and keep the familys happy, and still keep a smile on their face.

CF has given me a sense of humour. I have learnt to laugh at things that would worry or shock other people. I often get asked by people how I can laugh about things.
Its simple. Laugh, or cry. I'd go insane if I didnt learn to laugh at myself. Lol.

Although I have lost friends to CF, its taught me to appreciate life, and friendship. I miss them everyday, but it gives me something to focus on. However bad things get, I have this overwhelming desire to live my life, and do the things they didnt have the chance to do. I dont want them to see me wasting what I have.

I try to appreciate everything, however small. And I'm easily pleased.
Sometimes its hard to show, but deep down, I know I'm lucky really.
I'm here, I'm safe, and I'm loved.

Lovelove xx

Sunny Days = Ice Cream

Soooo! Its been a good few days!

I saw Sammi on thursday! Which was awesome. I havent seen her properly in years. Definately missed her, and need to see her more. =) And Emma is home for Easter now too, so hopefully I'll see her soon.

The weather has been amazing! Had several days of sunshine, and 20 degree heat! I've even managed to catch the sun, slightly! Yesterday we headed up to Stockwood Park, to go for a walk. And then today we decided to go to Ashridge for a picnic when Ryan finished work. Lots of sunshine, lots of walking, and LOTS of ICE CREAM! =) YAY!

I took loads of pictures in amongst the trees. I definately need to get myself a decent camera, because I love taking pictures. And the 2 megapixels on my phone camera are not cutting it! Haha.

Health wise, I'm doing great! Which makes a nice change. Had a fairly nasty bleed thursday afternoon, but it seems to have been a one off, and after a nap I felt fine again. So its all good I think, for now. =)




xx

Slush

This is Slush.

How cute is heeee? =)

Hehe. Dad bought him for me. I saw him in Toys R Us, and fell in love. He snuck back another day and brought him home for me. My parents are so sweet sometimes.

Dont ask why hes called Slush, I dont know. Ask the beanie baby people. Hes still cute.

Everything been okay the last couple of days. Not good, not bad. The pains starting to ease a little, so I can eat. But my appetites not really come back. =/ Ah well. I'm only losing what I'd gained, so its too terrible.

Lovelove xx

Meh = Best. Word. Ever.

I love the word 'Meh'.
If it can be classed as a word, I guess its more a sound. But either way. Its just so great, it can mean whatever the hell you want it to.

I was very impressed with Snail Mail yesterday. Megz got a letter I sent her yesterday, and I didnt even post it until like, half 5 thursday evening. That was one bloody speedy snail!
If you needed something to arrive that fast, it'd take like a week.
Glad it got there though. And I managed to refrain from sending her take away leaflets. I'll save those for Petey, he did love it when I posted him all the cut out pictures from a kebab leaflet. Mwahaha!

=)

Still struggling with Pain. Bad times.
Every time I eat, I'm in agony about 20 minutes later. Its a nightmare. Plus my appetites been really good recently, and I'd just got the dietician off my back! So now I'm hungry, until I've eaten, then I want to cry. I get to either be hungry, or in pain because I ate.
I'm not really a fan of either option if I'm being honest. Lol.

Last night was a rough one, was in a lot of pain with my stomach, and my head was pounding. And for some reason my mind was away with the fairies, thinking about everything, far too much. I pretty much cried myself to sleep I think.

My minds on the ex a lot too. Still struggling to find closure on that one. If anyones got any pointers, feel free to let me know. Lol.
Everytime I think I'm moving forward, I take a few steps back. It was definately the right decision. Its just a big change.
Now I've had time to get over all the crap, and the bad memories, I'm left with all the good stuff, and that hurts more. =/
I'll get there, I guess.

Went shopping with the parents today. They went to look for a new hoover, because we broke ours a while ago, and we made do with this tiny little stupid thing, we had for the car and stuff. Which is not at all practical for hoovering a whole house. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. Haha. Exciting day.
Totally went into Toys R Us, just to stalk Emma while we were out. No idea where she was though. We found her brother, but no Emma!! How rude, she could at least be around when we try to stalk her, her car was outside and everything!

Lovelove xx

Oh and...
http://www.justgiving.com/Danielle-Canavan0
(Just in case some rich person comes across my page... Lol.)

Hello 3am.

03.16 am.

For crying out loud.

I've given up trying to sleep.

I spent the last hour curled up in a ball, in tears with pain. This time its my stomach.
Well, its everything really. But if we're being specific, its my stomach thats pushed me over the edge tonight. Lol.
I'm used to be permanently in some kind of pain. Well, maybe pain is a bit extreme, but permanently uncomfortable, because my lungs havent been great for a while. But this kind of definite pain that makes you double over and hold yourself, is not fun. Curling up in a ball, clutching at my stomach, trying to find some kind of vaguely comfortable position.

I'd like just one part of my body thats okay.

My lungs, stomach, sinuses, and joints have ALL been playing up today. Painkillers havent really touched any of them. =/
Along with the random and fairly loud buzzing and whirring in my right ear, that comes and goes recently.
Its these kind of days when I would quite happily give up. But I cant, I'll just get on with it the best I can, and hope with all my heart, that when I wake up tomorrow, its a better day.

I'm very aware, that there are few people in this world that I let in completely. I tend to keep my fears, my feelings, my secrets and my thoughts, to myself. Theres only a few people I trust with everything. The last couple of days, I've realised just how much I complain to them. I feel kinda bad, its not fair to give other people all my issues, when they have their own to deal with.
So I'll try to save the whinging and ranting for here. Because if you choose to read, you only have yourself to blame. Haha. ;)

I dont want to become a burden on the people I care about. I love them to much for that.

And todays happy note... I posted something today. Someones getting post... Oooh, exciting! Hehehe.

Yes, little things please little minds.

Also, finally sorted some pictures for my wall to replace my old collage of 'Me and Matt' pictures. Still need to sort through and find pictures of several people to add to it, mainly my close CF friends. But I have a start now, rather than just an empty space.

Lovelove xx

Oh, its 03.42 now. For the record.

*Rolls Eyes*

Boredom makes me copy Megz

So, I'm bored.

Very bored.

And because of this, I am going to steal Megs' idea, and dedicate this post to the things in life which make me happy.
Prepare yourself for the randomness that lives inside my head. Lol.

=)

- My Mum. Shes my best friend in the whole world. I know that whatever happens, she'll be right there. We fall out sometimes, we drive each other insane, but we love each other unconditionally.
- My Dad. I dont know what I'd do without him. He keeps me going. He can always make me smile, regardless of how I feel or whats going on. I love him so much.
- Ryan. Hes my little brother. And we definately have the usual sibling relationship thing going on. But hes amazing, I know if I need him, he'll be there, even if he does moan about it. Lol. Also, I love our lazy days when hes at home. Hanging out with a pizza, and the disney channel, and acting like complete children.
- My cat. I take farrrr too many pictures of my cat. He is more like my child than my pet. Hes so cute, and its like magic, how he always seems to know when I'm ill or sad.
- The fact that Pete Franklin loves my cat far more than he loves me. ;)
- The smell of freshly made hot chocolate.
- Tea. I take after my dad. I cannot function without many cups of tea.
- Tigger. Totally does not need explaining. Its TIGGER! <3
- Haircuts. For some reason, having your hair done, seems to make everything better temporarily.
- Long showers. Same reaons as above.
- Unexpected text messages. Especially the cute kind that show someone, somewhere, is thinking of you.
- Being home alone, music up loud, and singing and dancing around like an idiot.
- Random conversations with friends, that the rest of the world would find completely confusing, or scary! And getting a text message/facebook message/status comment and thinking, 'why do i love this loser?' <3
- Hugs.
- Memories. Remembering something, and not being able to help smiling. =)
- Those special friends, who you know, no matter what the time is, or how insignificant the problem may seem to the rest of the world, they'll be there.
- The sunshine. Theres just something about the sun that makes everything better. And everything looks that bit more beautiful in the sunshine.
- Monkeys. But really, who doesnt love monkeys? ;)